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ChOcOlAtE_ChErRy
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read my profile
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Name: JPigeon
Birthday: 5/13/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: I'll just copy/paste from my myspace.... keep checking back, I'm always adding to it =P
Chili Cheese Fries. Reading. Humor. Language, especially foul language. Or fowl language, because I'm a pigeon. Perversion. Sleeping (been doin' it all my life ^^) Dreaming. Fanfiction. Inuyasha. Debating. Fragments. Questioning everything. Pretending I'm a Tae-kwon-do instructor. Manipulating the gullibility of children. Impractical jokes. Games where I get to make up the rules. HYPERNESS! Making people laugh. Weirding people out. Singing into a hairbrush. Making kissy-faces at strangers across a crowded room. Manipulating magazine quizzes into giving me self-esteem boosts ^^. Sliding across wet floors in my socks. Late night phone-calls under the covers. Dancing in the rain <33 Morning runs to Starbucks. Vons employees (only the cool ones ^^). Chewing on candy wrappers (and tinfoil!). Roses. Running my tongue over my recurring canker sores, despite the fact that it stings like a sweet baby bumb
Expertise: .....I think we all know that one by now ^^
Occupation: Military
Industry: Real Estate
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  kagomehigurashlx
MSN: xwannabe_wallabyx@yahoo.com
Yahoo:  xwannabe_wallabyx@yahoo.com
Member Since:
1/19/2003
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| HOLY FUCK.
ok I havent logged onto this thing in like 4 years, but wow was I ever a screwed up whiny little bitch of a freshman. lol!
soOoOo I think I'm gonna clean up all these entries and get rid of all the "ARRRRG i cant take the pain anymore" ones.
and then this xangie will just exist as a shrine to my middle school self.
I miss all you El Ranchians!! Im glad we're still buddies though :)
peace <3 :)
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| Edit: Jump for joy, I don't have to go to school tomorrow. I think my mom knows that if I go, I'll just end up humiliating myself by like...randomly bursting into tears in front of all of my teachers or something, and so she's not making me go...she's pretty pissed about it though. Today...wasn't good. After I typed that entry this morning, I went and did some research, and all it did was bring up more questions that I didn't want to think about. For instance, I hadn't even considered what happens after... I don't want to condemn my immortal soul to hell for this. I don't want to give him that satisfaction...knowing that after all of his fun hurting me, he also gets to claim my...I don't even want to say it. Is there even an afterlife? Should that even factor into the equation? And I also hadn't thought about the success rates...they aren't very high. I don't really want to end up disfigured for the rest of my life or anything...I either want to get it right the first time, or not at all. And we don't really own anything that I could be sure of...honestly, I don't think I want to do it anyway, it would be extremely selfish...I would essentially be passing along the pain I'm feeling to the people who love me, and I don't want to do that. When I was done at the computer, my mom yelled for me to come downstairs...she took one look at my face (I'd barely stopped crying since I woke up), and this is as much of the convo that followed as I can remember... Mom: So I guess you've seen your dad?
Me: No, I haven't even seen him today...is he mad at me again? Mom: Is anything going on between you and a boy at school? Me (that totally caught me off guard, since there isn't): No...what's he pulling out of his ass this time?
Mom: He's saying that he has somebody following you, and he wants to go the lawyers and get a divorce again...are you kissing anybody or spending a lot of time with anybody?
Me: No, I swear...I hang out with guys sometimes, but even if there was someone following me, there's nothing to see (insert a lot of back and forth of the same kind of interrogation)
Mom: I can see that it's too much to ask of you...you've never been at all interested in his lifestyle, your life now is more important to you then financial security Me: Nothing's more important to me then financial security now... Mom: We'll just go live in an apartment until you graduate, and you can date all the boys you want... Me: That's not what's important to me...honestly, mom, I'm not interested in boys...in fact, I'm probably gay anyway. This isn't true. I'm not gay now any more then I'm straight...and that doesn't mean that I'm both, either. But even the thought of...anything like that makes me feel physically ill, but there's no way of telling her that without also telling her why. Me: He can have me after I turn 18...he can send me to Iraq to marry some sexist asshole cousin of mine for all I care anymore...I can't have this conversation right now. Mom: If you're not into boys, then what's pushed you over the edge? I'm glad I couldn't see my face right then...I was probably looking at her like I hated her. Me: It's not like that. Mom: What happened to you? I've seen you upset before, but this isn't normal...and people don't usually act like this unless something happens with a personal relationship...please just tell me. Me: I don't have a secret boyfriend, and I don't want to talk about it. She kept bugging me about it though, and I finally couldn't take it anymore...we were in the car about to go get lunch, and I bolted back into the house, tripped probably 5 times on the way up the stairs, and then sunk down at the top of the staircase, already crying, because I could hear his voice comforting me...I felt completely insane, sitting there hugging myself mumbling things like "Stop lying to me" and "Please go away"...in any case, I think my mom got the hint...she's left me alone for the rest of today. I went over to Sepideh's, and it was fun for a little while...my face was puffy and I looked like a mess, but she insisted on doing my make-up (well my eyes...I'm a white-ass and she's Persian so I can't use her skin stuff) and hers and taking a bunch of myspace pics. We went on AIM and had some fun with Sam and a couple of other guys, and everything was O.K until I saw him go off of idle on her buddy list...luckily Sep was in her bathroom because I was holding my sides and gasping, trying so hard to shake it off...she kept trying to bring it up throughout the day, telling me I should move on, but I didn't want to think about it...before when she or others would say this, it made sense, but now the concept of moving on is alien to me. I can't ever trust anybody again...if somebody who I have over a year's worth of memories with, who's seen me at my best and worst, through different stages of my life, talked with me for hours about anything and everything, laughed with me, cried with me, and loved me, could say those kinds of things to me, I can't ever expect kindness from anybody. Even just hearing his name is too much, let alone anything else...she mentioned Superman once and I felt whatever was left of my heart slide into my throat, making me sicker. She said that it was the problem...that even if he'd loved me once, it had changed him. I don't agree, but I don't want to think that he's been this way all along. I can't let myself think that way, or I won't ever be able to begin healing. I can't go to school tomorrow, but I still haven't figured out how I'm going to avoid it. My mom isn't going to believe that I'm sick, and she doesn't think an emotional holocaust is an excuse for not going to school...I'll figure something out though. | | |
| Thinking about getting a new private xanga (too many people know my password >_>) Not much of a point if I hardly ever update about anything too secretive anymore anyways, though.
Anyway, today wasn't too excited. Nothing happened at zero...during tutorial we all sat around and listen to Christen's dream about how everyone got chased up a tree by an old lady and got shot one by one... lol, I never would've expected any of this to come out of Susie Highschool's mouth (it's a compliment, really =P)... she's so cute, though. I can't wait to see what she's like when she's older....and the usual sitting-around-talking-to-Heather-and-Chloe. Today's topic: suicide. Fun fun. =/ (Not us, some chick at our school). And then a short little convo I had with Chloe....is it immoral? I dont know.. I never thought of it as immoral before, but I guess it is. I agree with her that it's sick, but immoral I don't know about...maybe, but then again, I don't think prostitution is immoral either =P Although I'm actually a bigger fan of prostitution then I am of the other thing....I guess I'm not going into the sex business when I get older =( I can't be a porn star either. But I'm just happy that someone like her, who has more experience with dating then most of my close friends (besides Wheel, who I think would understand as well), gets it, and doesn't think I'm *totally* unreasonable.
2nd...Chad left after about ten minutes and left the job of picking the new sabre line to poor Emily. (I suspect that he pretty much told her who to pick as well... so glad I wasn't her today). So the 5 original sabres are sabres again this year (yay! I like it so much more then rifle ^^), and we're bringing in Diane.....yay-ness! Diane's like one of my favorite sophomores, and since Natalie didn't seem to care very much, I can be happy that she made it ^^ Sectionals are going to be about 10000 times more interesting with Diane there =P
4th period English... god, how I hate that class >< Don't get me wrong, the teacher's a sweetheart (almost too sweet... I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop >_>), but since Jonny refuses to transfer into my class (>=(!!), I have absolutely *nobody* to talk to in there. And since I made the mistake of actually volunteering to read today, the teacher has now discovered I read well, and now Im probably going to be picked on to read all the time....*sigh* I wouldn't mind at all if it didn't also mean that I had to pay attention.
Maybe it's better I pay attention, though... I scared myself today. I was thinking... I don't even remember what I was thinking about, but it was a nice, happy thought, and then suddenly WHAMO, mental screenplay I did *not* want inside my head. And it wouldn't go away for about five minutes afterward....I pulled the hood of my shirt up around my head and just concentrated on breathing until finally I was able to think about something else...why do I have to be such a mess sometimes? =P
Lunch... the do-I-make-you-nervous game! If you dont already know what that is....don't worry about it =P
Then 6th...3rd freaking time I've done that stupid sponge animal lab. I don't think anyone in that class realizes I'm a junior yet... which is just fine with me. I don't want people asking to copy my stuff all the time.
Afterschool I hung around and listened to the Pocketeers practice (I didnt really have a choice, you could hear them across the school...lol) until Chloe and Heather got back from ROP, and then Heather and I went down to Campitelli's to grab a late lunch. Now I'm here! =)
<3333
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| Hmmm, sooo.... what to tell about today....
Kei called me at midnight @_@ I was on myspace listening to music, and I had my headphones on, so I didn't hear the phone ring. It must've rung quite a few times, because it woke my mom up, and she's the type that could probably sleep through World War 3. Anyway, she made me get the phone, and I got to wish Kei a HAPPY 15TH BIRTHDAY!!!! from some place six hours away =( ... That part still makes me sad.
Anyhoo, woke up at 9:30ish, except I had no idea what time it was because I forgot to set my clock (we had to unplug it so the people could work on my desk).. so I went down the hall to find out what time it was... big mistake >< Because my parents were up, and now that they knew that *I* was up, I was practically pushed into the shower to start getting ready for my dad and my uncle's "make-up lunch", where we all go to the cheesecake factory and eat and talk around the fact that two days ago, they would've happily killed each other over... I actually have no idea what they were fighting over, because for once, I wasn't there. Anyway, they made up without even acknowledging that they ever fought, in typical Arabic fashion (that's how me and him made up after the whole July 4th incident), and then we all walked around fashion island and bought them glasses (the drinking kind, not the seeing kind) as a housewarming gift. I got a new shirt out of it, though, so I'm not complaining =P
Fashion Island, though... my god...if you ever feel like going somewhere to get your self-esteem deflated, Fashion Island's got you covered. I felt like a raggedy ann walking around that place... and I looked just fine, and I knew that, but still.. there's something a little depressing about seeing a three year old in more expensive clothes then you have on. Which is ridiculous when you think about it, because how long does it take a three year old to grow out of her clothes? Like, six months? But that's the way these people live... sometimes I forget that I live in Southern California, but then I'll be at Fashion Island and the Irvine Spectrum or something, and I'm looking around and thinking "Holy shit, when did all the supermodels get here?" But hey, what can you do, right?
Anyway, then my mom dropped me off at Pavilions to meet Chloe and Heather (Sam didn't want to see Step Up and Lucas had to go to some church thing), and we did the usual eat-at-Pasta-Bravo-and-walk-up-to-Edwards thing. The movie was the most cliche thing in the universe, but it's worth going just for the dance scenes... curse my stupid leg. I miss being able to dance *soooo* much.. and I'm not even a dancer or anything, I just love it. I hope it gets better soon =(
Anyway, we had lots of fun trying to figure out what the couple down the row from us was doing (let's just say that when they came in, the girl's hair looked like something out of a magazine... when they left, not so much =P), and making stupid jokes and whatever, and when the movie was over, I got up to realize that there was gum all over my butt >< And what's worse... it was *my* gum!! It fell out of my mouth halfway through the movie, and after I checked to make sure that it wasn't in my hair, I didn't worry about it anymore... I didn't think it would be on my butt! ><
Then let's see... walked to Target, found out it was closed, walked to Tillys, found out it was closed, and then just waited for Heather's parents to come take me home. Not a bad day =P And I got to hang out with my almost-six year old cousin Zaneb (Im not sure how to spell it), and that's always fun.. she's adorable, if a little hyper.
Tomorrow's my last day of freedom >< Band camp on Tuesday.. yikes!
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| Today was boring. I have no idea why I'm even blogging about it, because not a single thing worth remembering happened. Oh, except that I got my new computer desk in. I feel bad because we kept making the people who came over put it together move it around, but they're probably used to that. The glass is pretty, though... and the chair is neato, but I don't really know how to describe it. I'll post pictures when the whole room is done =)
HAPPY ALMOST BIRTHDAY KEIGHLEIGH!!!!!!! I'll probably photoshop her something tomorrow =P Awwww, this is like the first time in four years that I'm not going to her birthday party... it's so sad =( Maybe I'll bake cupcakes tomorrow in her honor.
<33
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